She couldn’t take it any more. It was over. She had to leave the house. Abruptly, she pulled off the hooks from the wooden wardrobe and started dumping her neatly ironed dresses and formal wears into a purple rucksack that was lying in the lower shelf. The agonizing feeling deep within surged tears from her eyes… but she did not want to cry today. Not today.
Her eyes deep red, she now started putting together her night creams, shower towel, manicure set and other cosmetics stored in the bathroom that she shared with Lance. As she did this, she saw his shaving kit lying next to her mini closet. She had just done his beard a week ago. This thought left her more fuming. Angrily, she slide off the kit on the sparkling white marble floor and yelled like a vulnerable animal.
Fein had just finished studying Bachelor of Dental Surgery from the Institute of Dentistry in London. However, she immediately shifted to Peterborough as she got her first job as an assistant to the infamous dentist Dr. Burnet, when she moved in with Lance. Her job was to treat the regular patients who arrived when Dr was out at the city hospitals. She faced all the odds just to be with the man who she thought loved her the most; after all, she had fallen in love for the first time.
Going against the will of her parents, she eventually lost contacts with them too. They did call and tried to reach her several times, but giving it no attention at all, she always turned the mobile phone on silent mode. Most of the times, coincidentally, the cell phone rang when they made love. She was so much into this man that they made love at all possible instant – nearly 4 times a day. Once in the morning, once in the afternoon when she came home to lunch with him and twice after she returned from work in the evening.
Fein got all the affection and mollycoddling that she had always longed for, when she rested under his rugged arms after they made love. Lance was an easy going guy. He was tall and strikingly handsome with an emblematic athletic physique. He played baseball for the renowned Royal Baseball League, commonly known as RBL, in the downtown Peterborough. He played two games a week and spent rest of the time closely observing the tournaments of Manchester Baseball Club and Halton Baseball Club while he practiced with the team.
Subsequently he indulged into the homely affairs like cooking lunch for Fein in the afternoons and feeding her palpably, which often was followed by making love. This was certainly not his first relationship, but, he was sharing an apartment with a girl for the first time. His family lived at Aberdeen, Scotland, where he completed his management studies. Anyhow, he was always inclined towards being a sportsperson and moved to Peterborough just two years ago as he got selected for the RBL team. He met Fein at a coffee shop and they hit off well, and gradually fell into this relationship.
Lance made a great cook, and he generally experimented with different kinds of cuisine that he saw and noted on a television’s cookery show once a while. Fein always teased him that if not for a baseball player, he would indubitably make a great chef for the nearby local restaurant. Fein was short in height, just like her mother. She had curly blonde hair and looked pretty as she sported a dimple on left cheek. Unlike many girls, Fein was upright fashion and beauty addict – so much that she would love to spend half of her earnings on shopping and cosmetics. But Lance didn’t mind that. On the contrary, he would often help Fein nail paint her toes. She was fanatical about nail polishing, and hence, very particular about matching the color of nail paint with her dress daily. But Lance loved it the most when she painted her nails white.
She was so smitten with the way he cared for her that she off late found herself calling and texting him relentlessly whenever Dr. Burnet was off for an important patient treatment in the city hospitals. Over the weekends, they indulged into a lot of drinking and watching action films together, till the time both passed away sleeping on the couch itself. Fein enjoyed drinking, especially rum, while Lance was a sucker for whiskey! It was thanksgiving time, when they completed a year of their relationship. Fein surprised him with a mini bar that she got made on one corner of the vivacious living room. That night, she celebrated so much as she had never been this happier ever before… and got so badly drunk over dark rum that they eccentrically made love all night.
All this continued for nearly fifteen months, until Lance started playing the game more often. His remarkable leadership quality and bettering efficiency with the bat fell into the eyes of the coach, and he was very soon chosen as a captain of the RBL team. He was so enthralled with this that he decided to make up to everybody’s expectation, especially his own. Hence, the commitment he started giving to the game resulted into slowly shifting of his focus from Fein.
He had now stopped coming to the apartment in the afternoons and Fein would find the refrigerator empty. Gradually, he even stopped receiving her calls and replying to her texts. Sometimes, after calling him relentlessly over twenty times and leaving plenty of text messages, he would finally reply, ‘Sorry, very busy with the practice. I won’t come for dinner tonight. Later,’ with one or two spell errors.
Suddenly the ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’ had disappeared from the messages. Also, whatever little he spoke to her when she called from the clinic was thinning down too. Distressed enough, she even tried to speak to him at nights to sort out the differences and show how deeply affected and concerned she felt with his dismissive behavior. However, that always ended up into sour fights. Tired with this, Lance would fall asleep and Fein would end up crying the whole night. At such times, she would even think of giving a call to her parents, but, could never really gather guts to speak to them. She felt devastated.
Next morning, when Lance woke up early morning and got ready to leave for the state match, he saw Fein staring at his speedy moves, lying absurdly awake on the bed.
Puzzled, he asked, “what are you doing up so early? It’s just 5?”
“Well Lancy, look, I am really sorry for throwing up at you last night okay… but we really need to talk and get this sorted. You know I couldn’t sleep all night. I haven’t been sleeping ever since this has started, I really love you Lance… please,” she said, her eyes moist and red, as if all the tears had just emptied.
“You know what! I have a big tournament today and I cannot afford to screw up. I have dreamt of this ever since. Can we do this later please? May be in the evening or night once I am back? I promise we will sort this out,” he kissed her on forehead; hastily, and left.
***
Before she could even comprehend, the time had quickly passed by.
Lance opened the door curiously. The drawing room and kitchen was absolutely as kept and he loosely rushed into the bedroom… only to find her sitting insanely on the bed, with the same clothes on.
She looked fatigued and lost. It was twenty minutes past eight and he realized that she was sitting immobile ever since he’d left. She had skipped her work today.
Fein did not notice him.
“What are you up to Fee?” He said, in an indisputable shocking tone.
“Oh Lance, you back… you are really back,” she just jumped off the bed, with sudden gleam in her eyes, and hugged him firmly.
Lance felt her silent tears reaching his neck.
He then cooked both of them dinner, and fed her reflexively. She ate like a starving child. He avoided discussing anything while she just kept holding him, as if a child finding her lost toy after months of crying over it. Lance looked weary as they spent rest of the night in silence. Soon after the dinner, Fein was already quiet asleep under his arms, whereas, Lance felt churned out with her escalating compulsive manners.
The next morning, Fein behaved as if everything was normal. She looked happy and went into the restroom to find Lance readying for a shave. She insisted to do his beard… and he let her do it. Fein’s excitement returned, whereas Lance just behaved normal. He noticed her nail paint did not match her dress color for the first time. She had painted his favorite ‘white’ today. Lance smiled to himself.
They both left for their respective work after a pleasant breakfast that day. Lance had now started receiving her calls more often. With his comparatively better behavior, Fein saw their relationship getting back to normal. But, she was still not completely convinced and felt the old-days-spark strongly amiss.
All this sustained only until the next week, when Lance finally broke out in front of her. While having breakfast, Lance gathered guts and finally outpoured his heart.
“Look Fein. All the time I spent with you were really the best days of my life.” He looked into Fein’s eyes. He felt the fear of volcano blasting any moment.
But he continued, “Last year and a half, we have shared a lot of special moments… but… things… well… some things are not the same anymore. And that’s your behavior! You have started behaving in an impossible manner… like… some bizarre psychopath… and I cannot handle all this anymore. Its more like a disease, you know… the OCD… something of that sort which normal people like me can’t deal with. I wish to part ways.”
The house never was this silent ever before.
He continued, now in a raucous tone. “With the success I have achieved over the last couple of months… well… lets simply put it this way… I don’t think we are going parallel anymore. And, I hate to say this, but… you are starting to become a redundant hitch in my career too. I mean look at my life… me and my team; we are very soon going to compete the country’s best! Do you realize how much this means to me? You don’t… and I don’t think you ever will. Please… Fee… I don’t think we are meant to be. Let’s just… face it.”
Fein froze to those words. She could not believe Lance just said all that.
While Lance avoided looking at her, he had anyhow anticipated Fein to now flare into tears and probably even beseech to work it out. However, she did none of it.
***
This time, Fein felt differently. She went cold.
She couldn’t take it any more. It was over. She had to leave the house. Abruptly, she pulled off the hooks from the wooden wardrobe and started dumping her neatly ironed dresses and formal wears into a purple rucksack that was lying in the lower shelf. The agonizing feeling deep within surged tears from her eyes… but, she did not want to cry today. Not today.
Within fifteen minutes, she had already left the apartment and started walking awkwardly on the busy streets of this city. Amidst the crowd and the hustle bustle, she kept herself on foot blankly, knowing not where she was heading for.
After a while, she found herself reach to the city park, and sat on one of those benches. She took out her mobile phone from the handbag, and dialed a number. The call failed as nobody answered. She once again dialed, but this time on a landline number.
Michelle received the call. Michelle Timmins was a middle aged single mother who worked as a receptionist at the clinic.
“Hey Michelle, its Fein here. Put me on to Dr. Burnet. Quick.”
“Well sorry ma’am, Dr just left on an appointment. He was expecting you. Are you taking an off?”
“Hey, first tell me, what time does he return today?” asked Fein anxiously.
“Not until afternoon I guess. Don’t mind, but… is everything alright? You sound disturbed. Do you want me to leave a message for him?”
“Well… yes, tell him I tried to reach him on his mobile phone, but…. Anyway, just tell him… I am quitting the job.” She said this and disconnected the call.
She took a heave of breath, picked up her handbag and decided to leave her purple rucksack on the bench itself. She did not need it anymore.
As she walked towards to reach the exit of the park, she saw little kids playing joyously, some waiting in queue for their turn on the fun slide, some kicking the ball, while others comfortably resting draped around their momma’s arms. As she kept walking further, she saw a couple on the other side of the park, holding hands, smiling within themselves and looking pleased.
After coming out of the park, she incessantly kept walking street after street, until she finally found what she was looking for. She immediately rushed towards the medical store.
“What do you want madam?” asked the old storekeeper.
“Hmm… give me a bottle of rat poison,” she replied firmly.
The old shopkeeper gave her a suspicious look when she said this… but Fein just smiled persuasively and whispered, “Please make it quick. These rats in my house are creating too much ruckus… and I really need to get rid of them.”
“Do you want it small or medium?”
“Give me anything that is handy and solves my problem!”
The aged man pulled out the mid-size bottle of rat poison and gave it to her.
Fein looked at the bottle and asked the elderly gentleman, “Will this be efficient enough?”
“It sure is a strong exterminatory young lady!” He mumbled nonchalantly in his rather rusty voice.
She left the medical store and took a cab. Fein asked the cab driver to go East Midlands.
With this, the cab fled off… and she finally rested for sometime. With her mind blocked, she looked outside the cab window; there were people, traffic, noise and everything else; but in veracity, she saw nothing.
After a drive of about an hour, she finally reached her destination, the Lincolnshire County. She paid the driver rapidly and did not care about the change she owed back. The driver immediately escaped the place, before he thought the passenger changes her mind with the pounds.
***
She was trembling as she walked towards the aisle to reach out for house no. 35. But, she had to do this. She wanted to meet her parents at least once, and ask forgiveness for hurting them endlessly. She wanted to say how much she’d regretted leaving the house inconsiderately. She wanted to say sorry for ignoring their phone calls all these months. She wanted to apologize for not coming to see them ever since she’d left. She wanted to say sorry for not seeing them even on Christmas. She wanted to confess how wrong she was about Lance and his so claimed love for her. She wanted to hug them both, in her house, where she’d spent all twenty-three years of her life. She was willing to pay for every mistake of hers… but, she desperately needed to see them. Now.
Nervously, she rang the door bell and waited. But, there was no response. She rang the door bell once more. Again, there was no answer. Where could have they gone, she thought. Her dad had been a retired banker, whereas her mother was a partial heart patient. She looked at the watch. It was only ten minutes past eleven in the morning. May be they must have gone for mom’s routine check up to the family doctor and heart specialist Dr. Eliza, she estimated. But, she decided to wait till they returned, no matter how long.
Fein sat at the front doorway stairs. Her mind started wandering as she thought about how they would react with her sudden return. Will they fail to recognize her… or will they take her back with open arms only to keep her with them forever? She was getting paranoiac as her body turned colder every now and then. She at times also felt like gulping down the rat poison, but… she wanted to see her mom and dad, talk to them, just once, before she decided to die.
After about an hour, she couldn’t hold herself any longer. Thus, she finally decided to bother the neighbors residing around. She avoided doing it all this while since she did not want to embarrass her parents any further, and nor was she interested in answering their inquisitive questions that were primitively meant for gossiping business. But now, with no options left, she had to do this.
She decided to ask Mr. Brown’s family, who stayed in house 34. She knew her parents had not been that close with the family, but, she also wondered what they must have told them when the family would have asked about her. However, without thinking much, she rushed towards the house and rang the door bell.
Mrs. Brown opened the door. She was a grandmother of two little children.
“Oh my God! Fein! Where have you been all this while?” She asked anxiously.
“Well Aunt Brown, since am working in Peterborough, I stay in a rented apartment there. I wanted to ask if you know where my parents have gone. I did not inform them that I was coming as I thought I’ll give them a surprise.” Fein answered timidly.
“Surprise after one whole year? Do you even know what your parents have gone through? You have been a very selfish and an irresponsible child…”
“Will you tell me where are they?” Aggressively, Fein cut off Mrs. Brown before she could complete.
“Wow! This is incredible. The only daughter of the old parents returns home after a year or more and yells at me to ask where they are! Okay, I will tell you where they are. Your mother is no more, she passed away of heart attack last month… oh may her soul rest in peace! And for your dad… he’s left this house forever. He did not tell us where he was going. He tried to call you, but…”
Fein just ran as she heard this.
“Fein wait… Fein… Fein…”
But she kept running. Thousand voices kept revolving in her head as she kept running.
Your mom is no more… Fee you are a psychopath… Your mom is dead… Don’t mind but is everything alright, you sound disturbed… She died of heart attack… I wish to part ways… You are selfish and irresponsible… Do you even realize how much this means to me… Your dad is gone… You don’t and I don’t think you ever will… He did not tell us where he was going… Fee, let’s face it… He tried to call you but… Fee, what are you doing up so early, it’s just 5… But isn’t it too late………………
“Stop it!” she screamed as she reached the east coast beach side, huffing.
She felt tired. She sat on the rocks staring at the waves. She was numb.
After some time, Fein opened her hand bag. Her hands went searching till she found the rat poison. She took it out and looked at it for sometime… and dumped it in the bag again. She sat there and witnessed the sunset too.
She finally went back to Peterborough that evening.
***
She was waiting outside the door. It was thirty minutes past eight. And, she finally saw Lance in his red RBL outfit as the silver elevator opened. He looked rugged, like always.
“Fein?! What are you…”
“Let’s have a drink”
Perturbed, he opened the door and let her in.
“Hey, you don’t look good with your brows knit. Don’t worry; I am not back to stay.”
He smiled, uneasily.
Fein sat on the couch, where they had made love hundreds of time, while Lance went to the bar to make them a drink.
She remembered how she’d surprised him with this mini bar on completion of one year of their relationship.
“Oh, I thought you must have thrown away the rum bottles after I left.”
“Not really.”
“So, how’s it going with the game?”
“Well… we have finals with the country’s best, the Manchester Baseball Club team tomorrow; I am really looking forward to it. It is going to be a biggest day if we win!”
“That’s great. All the best. I am sure you guys will succeed. After all… your dumping me should help in some way!”
Upset, Lance looked at her, but did not reply.
“Hey, common Lancy, take it easy, I was just kidding,” she laughed hysterically.
“Can you get me some more ice please?”
“Sure.”
After a moment, he returned back to the couch and dropped some ice cubes in her dark rum and rest in his whiskey.
“So, will you come for my match tomorrow? I will be glad if you…”
“Of course Lance, we can at least be friends right!”
“Yes Fee… your presence will make a difference!”
“Thank you so much.” She smiled.
They both finished their drink in sometime.
“Thanks for the drink Lance,” she muttered, and proceeded towards the door.
“Don’t be Fee… I… I will… always… love you…. But…”
“Well… never mind… good luck for tomorrow Lancy.”
And, she vanished.
***
She once again went to the city park and sat on the same bench that she she’d occupied in the morning. The purple rucksack had gone, of course. The place was quiet and there was hardly anybody in the park.
She got flashes from her past.
First, she thought about her mom, Mrs. Jennifer Spenley, a tiny woman who had been a great wife. She remembered how her mom had held her tightly during the first day of her kindergarten. She was never going to forget her.
Then, she thought of her dad, Mr. Joseph Spenley, an intelligent black haired muscular guy, who was an incredible banker and indubitably, a perfect father. She was going to find him.
And, she remembered Lance Henry, her good-looking sturdy cook boyfriend. Ex-boyfiend. The captain of renowned Royal Baseball League, with whom she’d passionately made love all the time.
She thought about her last drink with him.
The rum had tasted better when chilled.
She remembered how she’d poured the rat poison in his glass, when he’d gone to get those ice cubes.
She flunked away the empty bottle and decided to never paint her nails white again.
She smiled.
***
© Manali H. Shah
